The Perfect Girl is Gone

Okay, time for a Disney-linked blog post, are you ready? Here we go. ūüôā

I don’t know about you, but as a single twenty-something with a full time job and other social commitments, I seem to spend a lot of time in my car alone going from place to place. Home to work, work to home, home to church‚Ķthe list goes on. Recently I realized that the copious amounts of time I spend driving has become my “me time”. I’m constantly surrounded by other people while driving, sure, but let’s be honest, we don’t particularly care what the person in the car next to us is doing as long as they’re not doing it too loudly or staring at us like a creep. So when I’m driving, I let my brain decompress by blasting my music and singing along like nobody can hear me. Oddly enough, I find it relaxing. Occasionally though, these moments alone become a place of inspiration in addition to the relaxation.

Lately, the car speakers have been flooding my ears with the soundtrack to Disney’s¬†Frozen, which a friend was brilliant enough to gift me with this Christmas. And when I say flooding my ears‚ĶI mean I’ve probably listened to the entire thing about fifty times or more and know the words to nearly every song verbatim. But of course, my favorite is the movie’s main song, “Let It Go”. For those of you who’ve seen the movie, Ana is probably most of your guys’ favorite. And why not, she’s the gorgeous but dorky heroine who saves her sister and an entire kingdom from an eternal winter at great personal cost, plus she gets the guy. At the end of the day though, Elsa is the one I can really relate to, the one who grabbed my attention. And she did it with this song. [No plot spoilers in the clip folks, I promise.]

This afternoon on the way home from work, I was once again indulging myself with “Let It Go”, and one particular lyric stuck in my mind this time: the perfect girl is gone. Much of Elsa’s young life was spent trying to hide what she considered to be an imperfection, and it was freeing to her to finally lay her past aside and simply be herself, whether perfect or not. ¬†Some of you who read this will know that “perfect” was a word that was woven through much of my sense of self as a younger person. Let’s just say that there were many times I felt I needed to be “perfect” in order to feel satisfied with my life, and was ashamed when I didn’t live up to my own ridiculously high standards. It made others see me in a goody-two-shoes sort of way that I hated, and at the same time I felt compelled to try and live up the standard anyway, even though I constantly fell short. Like Elsa, striving to be “perfect” was a burden on me. In fact, it was exhausting. Then at some point in time now lost to memory, I had a lightbulb moment.

I’m not perfect, and I don’t have to be.

Now let me back up a little bit. Jesus forced Himself into my life at a young age. When I was eleven years old, the majestic and infinite God of the universe whispered to my soul, “I AM.” In an instant my entire life changed as my little mind realized for the first time that all the Bible stories, the sermons, the Sunday school services, the songs‚Ķ.were REAL. It was all real, not just some nice story that people tell themselves so they can try to live better lives. At the time I called it my rededication to faith, but in hindsight I’ve come to see it as the moment where my faith in God truly became mine–not just something nice I did with my family on Sunday mornings. However, it wasn’t until much later that I came to fully realize the meaning of the gospel, what was actually going on that dark day on the hill of Golgotha. I didn’t understand how depraved, how sinful, how¬†imperfect¬†I was. Basically, compared to God’s standard, I’m a filthy, disgusting little nothing of a human being that doesn’t even deserve to know what grace is, let alone obtain it. And guess what? We’re all in that boat. No matter how “perfectly” you attempt to live your life, you will still fall short. Anyone who tries to convince you otherwise is simply a very persuasive liar.

The realization of my own depravity caused my inner perfectionist to despair‚Ķuntil I also realized that it’s because of Christ’s sacrifice that¬†I don’t have to be perfect. I simply don’t have to try and fail and try and fail to live up to my own or any other deluded standard of what “perfect” means, because Somebody else is already being perfect for me. Somebody already sacrificed His own perfect life in order to save my imperfect one. I don’t have to live up to Perfect because He already is, and He¬†loves¬†me.

That my friends, is true freedom. To live in a reality where you can know day in and day out that you’re considered good enough‚Ķeven though you’re really not. I can feel free to live my life with abandon, knowing that even if I mess up (which I inevitably will), there will always be One who still accepts me, still¬†loves¬†me.

Today, I’m still tempted to take up my old ways and be the perfect girl, to get by on my own strength and make myself look good doing it. Most of the time though, I catch myself in time to realize that the “perfect” girl is gone, and she doesn’t need to come back. It’s okay that I’m imperfect, and I never will be.

[Side note: I’m often blown away by how little people tend to think of the phrase “Jesus loves you” or “God loves you”. It’s become this trite little saying that people brush off without a second thought. But think about it like it’s actually real for a second. Think about the fact that there’s a being in existence who created an entire universe filled with wonderful and spectacular things beyond our wildest imagination, simply for his own pleasure, because he’s good and creative and awesome. Imagine him making not just your body, but your very soul, the very essence of who you are, out of nothing, and how intimately he knows you because of the fact that he made you. Imagine how desperately heartbroken he was when you did something bad for the very first time, and he knew that your soul could never be truly united with his because of the sin in your heart. Then, imagine him being so much in love with you that he considered his very life second to yours, and willfully sacrificed himself in one of the most torturous methods known to man‚Ķso that you could live.¬†That’s¬†what I mean when I say, “Jesus loves you.”]

Smell the Roses

Image

Hey there interwebs.

It’s been a while since you last heard from me via blog. I figure it’s about time I pick up the proverbial pen again to say hello.

I could go into ridiculous detail about what has gone on in the last five months, but to be honest, I rarely have that kind of patience with my own writing. So I’ll catch you up with where I am now.¬†

First off, I’m happy. I feel like so many people in life spend the majority of their time working so they can be happy someday, but never actually take the time to BE happy when the opportunity presents itself. So I think it’s significant to say that right now, I’m happy. I’m fed, I’m clothed, I have a roof over my head and enough money to buy the things I really need, plus some. I have a job that challenges me in a good way on a daily basis, people I enjoy working with, and managers that are genuinely interested in how I can improve myself in my work environment. I’m currently working as a contracted employee, but that may be turning into a permanent position soon (second interview on the 5th, I’ll try to keep you updated!).

I’m in a relationship. Yes, like a going-on-three-months-and-still-doing-well relationship. We watch movies and eat out and go on walks by the water and feed ducks in the park and visit museums and act disgustingly adorable in public and we don’t care. Valentine’s Day should be decidedly more exciting than last year. ūüėČ

God has been shaping me in new ways. I’m learning so much and it’s just…exciting! Earlier in the winter I had quite on ordeal learning to overcome fear, particularly when it came to my new job. I was so far outside of my comfort zone that all I wanted to do was run away and quit, and every day was a struggle to drag myself in the door at work and try to be better at what I was doing. But with patience and work and a lot of prayer, things got better, and I am a more well-balanced person because of it. The lesson learned was that no matter what the circumstances, God takes care of His children, and therefore we have nothing to fear. Things may not always happen the way you expect them too, but as long as it’s His plan, that’s all that matters.

¬†For I know the plans I have for you, declares the¬†Lord, plans for welfare¬†and not for evil,¬†to give you a future and a hope.” (Jer. 29:11)

I’m developing a deeper desire to know God and know His Word, which of course has been an ongoing thing since the day He claimed me, but it’s made itself more apparent in recent weeks, and I’m very much encouraged by it.

Drama in my life is at an all-time low, which is always welcome. Some burdens I had been carrying for a while as a result of strained relationships have been lifted recently, for which I am very thankful. God is great as chasing away bitterness when you ask Him to.

And overall I’ve just been trying to live my life a little bit better. Get more sleep, drink more water, eat well, put a bit more effort into my appearance, manage my money, watch less TV, listen to more music, read more books, etc. If I only have one life to live, I may as well make it a good one, right?

Well, now I feel like I’ve been rambling and just wound up back where I started. I guess all I wanted to do was take a moment to step back and smell the roses, to comprehend the fact that right now, my life is a place full of possibility and opportunity, where nearly anything is possible and the future looks bright. I’m still young, but I know enough of life to realize that the way I feel now will not always be the norm, so I should appreciate it now for what it is. I am blessed.

That’s all really. But with any luck, you’ll be hearing from me again soon. ūüôā